HomeSatireNew Lockdown Rules

New Lockdown Rules


Kilkenny City: It’s still ok to fight with your neighbor as long as you wear a mask and social distancing rules are adhered to

Limerick: Burgling homes in your local area is still permitted as long as you sanitize. Track and trace technology must be used.

Ballymun: You can only visit your dealer when dropping your kids off at school. Dealers must wear visors and sanitize all.

Athy: You can still have sex with your sister but you must be home by 10 pm.

Cork: Vigilante groups of 6 only permitted outdoors between the hours of 10 pm and 6am, personal protective equipment must be worn during physical contact & raves.

Waterford: Sitting in the park is encouraged, but please note, although a bottle of white lightening has higher alcohol content than hand sanitizer, it is not a suitable substitute.

Galway: Prostitute services will still be permitted to stay open as an essential service due to concerns of an economic collapse in the area.

Clonmel: Is now classed as a ‘NO GO ZONE’. If you must travel through this area please follow all diversions, stay in your car at all times. Masks are not required as nothing is open.

Athlone: All middle class drug fueled swinging orgies must adhere to the rule of 6. Masks must be worn. Gimp masks are deemed suitable.

Kildare: Flashing your genitalia on the cycle track is permitted strictly between the hours of 9am-10am, sterile gloves must be worn at all times, anyone found flashing outside of these hours will be quarantined in The Bishop’s Palace for 14 days.

Aran Isles: No need to wear a mask or self isolate, Covid can’t find your house.

Ballyjamesduff : Everyone must stay at home and self isolate until manufacturers can supply and distribute gloves with 6 fingers. ????????????????????


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