As scientists discover new genders, policy makers are in a panic to find new pronouns.
Charles Foster Kane
“Dedicated scientists are working day and night to discover previously unexplored genders but are being hampered by lack of new pronouns to keep up with them. Emergency funding needs to be put into the Gender Nomenclature Initiative at the Transgender University Research Department (TURD) San Francisco to supply badly needed pronouns.” said Mizz Butterfly Space Cadet III speaking from zer grounded space craft in Mountain View Oakland California.
Above: Mizz Butterfly Space Cadet (left) and associates Watever U Want and Internet Ranger of Saturn’s Outer Belt. Photo courtesy of TURD San Francisco.
“My fear is for the young folk who will grow up not truly knowing what they are. It’s very possible they may begin to identify as the wrong thing and by the time the problem is recognised it may well be too late. For example, there are [(kids)] identifying as chickens, and believe they can achieve flight. As you can imagine this often has catastrophic consequences. One poor child thought [ze] was a doormat and was found lying outside [zer] highschool insisting that kids wipe their feet on [zer]. Another identified as a football. I don’t want to talk about what happened there as it’s too upsetting.
Above: Mizz Butterfly’s research laboratory in Mountain View Oakland
We are asking parents to be vigilant and try to catch these problems early. To help with this we’re developing a standard questionnaire that they should be putting to their children daily. Here’s an early draft:
Remember: You can be anything, but keep in mind that if you identify as something that might result in you or someone else being physically hurt, we may need to limit your movement; But whatever happens always remember that you are beautiful and unique and the government will always love you even if your friends, family and teachers don’t.
- Do you still feel that you are the same thing that you believed you were yesterday?
- Have you recently started to make any unusual noises or exhibit new behaviours?
- Have you started to spend a lot of time with specific creatures or objects?
- Do you still identify with Earth as your home planet?
- Do you wish you could do stuff that only animals or objects can do?
- Are you totally sure that your answers to the above questions were correct?
“We hope that our brief questionnaire will cover most eventualities. However, unfortunately we haven’t yet figured out what to do should a child identify as something abstract. For example, there was one who believed [ze] was a question mark. [Ze] stood around looking inquisitive and was unable to accept reality as valid. [Ze] ended up just sitting at home unable to accept that [ze] actually existed. It was just awful. Thankfully [ze] eventually realised that [ze] was more of an exclamation mark than a question mark and that merely resulted in being excessively enthusiastic about everything. That unfortunately resulted in another set of problems which we’re currently dealing with.
It’s cases like these that underline why we badly need funding for our research. Many kids may live out a life unfulfilled unless we take some drastic measures. We are trying to reach as many kids as possible; Visiting schools, homes, youth groups, and on the street to find as many people as possible to deliver our essential services. We just need more funding all the time. We really can’t get enough to fill the huge void that exists out there. It’s just so tragic for those unfortunate children.
Do you know anyone who isn’t sure what they are? Please visit whatareyou.org to fill out the questionnaire and receive guidance from a Shaman councillor who will put you in touch with the Spirit of the Wild Pernicious Unicorn and receive your own unique version of the 742 Principles of Life.
For TURD donations, please visit emergencypronounappeal.org and send what you can.